I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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