While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
