He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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