Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
