I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
