how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
