I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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