OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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