I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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