I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
