I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
