There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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