he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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