Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
