...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
