she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
