So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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