Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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