I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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