Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
