Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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