Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
