I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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