When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You should frame my arrest warrant.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
