There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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