I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
