You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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