How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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