i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
