Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You are a genius and a whore.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
