I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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