it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
