Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
me + whiskey = a bad person
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
