The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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