I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
