burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
