Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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