Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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