Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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