Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i wish my penis had a tongue
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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