I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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