im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
