Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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