She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
