im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
