He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
