I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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