mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
