i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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