so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
