I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
