new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he thought i was a dude.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
