Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
