i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
