evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
