In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
