I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
