I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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