we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
