if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
