I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
zippers are such a cool invention
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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