shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
