so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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