happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
how does that bad decision feel?
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