This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
