woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
