Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
